April 1, 2010. Tokutek’s acquisitions of Oracle, Apple, HP, Microsoft and Google were today blocked by the European Union on the basis that the announced acquisitions were “in bad taste”. John Partridge, CEO of Tokutek said “They made us take our TokuFish back. They made us take our TokuPad back. They made us take our stock back. And our stack. Now we’re just a handful of engineers building a MySQL storage engine.”

“But it’s a really good storage engine.”

April 1, 2010. Tokutek, Inc. announced the acquisition of Apple Computer Corporation. “Tokutek has long been a user of Apple products. Our entire management team uses iPhones, with the only holdout being Chief Architect Bradley C. Kuszmaul, who complains that the screen is too small” said John Partridge, CEO of Tokutek. “Apple is an innovative small company that builds phones and ipads”. Apple CEO Steve Job’s role has not been determined.

In a separate announcement, Tokutek announced the release of the TokuPad (demonstrated below by Dr. Kuszmaul). “We were able to leverage our newly acquired HP technology to build an even bigger version of the iPad. This is huge! It will change mobile computing! I can edit MySQL source code and browse PlanetMySQL at the same time! It’s unbelievably huge!”

“Oh, and we bought Microsoft and Google too”, said Partridge. “We gave Microsoft a TokuPad, and Google got a TokuFish. We ran …

April 1, 2010. Tokutek, Inc. announced the acquisition of HP. “Tokutek has long been a user of HP’s 23-inch and 24-inch monitors” said John Partridge, CEO of Tokutek. “HP is an innovative small company that builds devices such as monitors, useful for looking at MySQL scripts and source code. And printers. Tokutek intends to continue using monitors. And printers.” HP CEO Mark Hurd’s role has not been determined. The terms of the all-stack transaction included a promise to use HP monitors. And printers.

The Tokutek/Sunfish entry into the next America’s Cup promises to bring the America’s cup back to the USA’s east coast. The sailboat, named '; Update Race set time=1 where Team='Tokutek (we’re trying to win using a SQL injection attack) features a single-hull pontoon-type hull carrying a lateen sail mounted to an un-stayed mast. The fiberglass hull carries a crew of one or two. The double-plus secret keel technology features a daggerboard keel, an overall length of 4.22m, a beam of 1.24m, and a hull weight of 59kg. The 6.0m2 mainsail provides a D-PN of 100.7, and an on-board computer comprising an Android in a zip-lock sandwich bag running MySQL with TokuDB.